Finding Fabian
by Wizard-Wannabee
Summary: Caught in a downward spiral of depression, self loathing and self harm. Unable to tell anyone, unable to cope, Fabian is falling apart. But then he meets Xenophilius, maybe together they can pick up the pieces. This is my second story so please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

I'm the guy standing at the back. I'm the guy you didn't really notice. I'm the guy who is always just there. I'm there to support them when they're down, when they're crying or angry or annoyed. With a smile plastered across my face, always happy, always carefree, always fine...well at least that's what they think. It's difficult to keep up apparences when your mind is killing you. Difficult to keep smiling as you slowly destroy yourself. Difficult to laugh when all you want to do is scream. The thing is that when people don't expect it, they don't notice it. When you're born in to a completely pleasant family, kind, supporting, loving, the whole package. When you're coping fine with schoolwork, sure not top of the class but definitely not bottom. When you have a normal friendship group. No one ever seems to expect you to be like I am. I'm drowning, and no one can see.

A bell was ringing, loudly. Sighing as it's high pitched insistency attacked my ears. I stretched but didn't open my eyes, hoping it would all go away if I kept my eyes shut. My curtains were ripped open as someone flung themself on top of me.  
"Fabian, wake up!" Gideon shouted "Wake up you lazy bugger." He chucked as I tried to pull the covers over my head. He punched me.  
"Alright, alright, I'm getting up." I said whilst getting up. I dreaded nothing more than the first day of school. Just thinking about the lessons, the professors, the students, made me feel physically sick. I had to do it though, that's the way it was. With a yawn I trudged towards the bathroom. "Shotgun the bathroom next. " I yawned. Frank looked up from his chest, "Oi Prewett, stop queue jumping." "Oi Longbottom, shut it." Frank laughed and shook his head as I shut the bathroom door.  
After showering and dressing as fast as I could, I ran a hand through my messy dark red hair. I avoided the mirror, I had enough to worry about already this morning. The others were ready when I came out the bathroom and before long, we were mooching down to the great hall, messing around as we went. We plonked ourselves in the middle of the Gryffindor table. As I poured myself some coffee, McGonagall appeared with our time tables. I had basically forgotten what options I had chosen this year.  
"What classes are you pricks doing?" I asked without looking up.  
"Well we're all doing, charms, defence against the dark arts, potions, and transfiguration." Ed replied "But I'm doing arithmancy and history of magic as well."  
"Myself and your truly charming brother," Stubby started as he glanced over to Gideon who was busy stuffing his mouth with bacon, "We are taking care of magical creatures, and muggle studies." He said with a cheeky grin.  
"Definitely didn't choose classes we could just doss in." Gideon smirked then winked at us.  
"What about you, oh ginger one?" Stubbs questioned.  
"Astronomy and divination, oh slightly beardy one" I replied. The lads exchanged perplexed looks. Confusion covered Gideons face "Um, Fabian?" "Yup"  
"Did you just say divination?"  
"Yup"  
"Um, why?"  
I thought for a moment, because I liked it? Because it was a interesting different point of view? Couldn't tell the boys that, the jokes would be endless. They wouldn't understand, I knew they wouldn't. I grinned and shrugged "Biggest doss ever, right?"  
Relief spread across their faces, the minor panic over. The bell rang, breakfast was over. It had officially started. "See you ladies later." Stubby and Gideon left together, shoving each other as they went.  
I smiled up at Edgar, "Hope you have a fine day my good sir." He laughed and said with a bow "I wish you a splendid day too my good fellow." With that he slung his satchel over his shoulder and marched off. My first class was astronomy, that wasn't to bad. I've always loved the stars. On those crisp nights when I wake for no reason. The only light coming from the stars, like tiny silver pinpricks in black silk. I'll gaze out at those stars and just feel it. This quiet hollowness sitting in my chest. Like an empty nothingness. Then I just lie there, doing nothing, feeling nothing, being nothing. Its like I'm waiting in a strange state of hibernation. But what I'm waiting for?...I have no idea. I could stare in to the sky forever, being filled with that emptiness, momentarily forgetting everything...momentarily free. I wandered along caught up in my thoughts as always, and too soon I was there. As I trudged in to the room I gratefully realised I knew no one there. Glancing around I noticed a pretty empty patch in the back corner. There was only one other guy sitting there. I quickly studied him as I sat down. He wasn't a normal kid. He was slightly taller than average. His skin fine like paper, molded gently over his fragile bones. His cheekbones were so skillfully sculpted, his eyes shone bluer than the sea, his pale blonde hair almost silver. Glowing in a ethereal light, he was pure beauty, pure grace, pure perfection. Time stood still. The incessant chatter momentarily silenced. The loud colours faded to a gentle white. Everything felt pure. His electric blue eyes locked on to mine. A shiver shot through me like quicksilver, waking every nerve in my body. The hairs on my neck raised, my muscles stopped working, my heart stopped beating, my lungs stopped breathing and yet I couldn't tear my eyes away. I was lost in the ocean of his eyes, unable to speak, unable to move. My body was over come with an unexplainable feeling. The eternal ocean of his eyes was swallowing me. I couldn't bear it anymore, I tore my eyes away. I came crashing down. Harshly thrown back in to reality. Gasping for air that I wasn't completely sure I wanted. I shook my head finally waking up as life continued around me as if nothing had happened...


	2. Chapter 2

I collapsed on to my bed. The first day was finally over, leaving me feeling exhausted and completely shit. The dorms door flung open, Stubby and Gideon came bounding in with Edgar in tow. "Okay ladies, I'm bloody starving so make it quick!" Gideon announced whilst chucking his bag across the room. The thought of eating made me feel physically ill, I didn't want to eat, I couldn't eat. I was fat enough already, that's all I am, just rolls of fat. "Alright lads ready to feast!" Stubby's question was met with roars of approval from Gideon and Edgar. I couldn't do this, my chest tightened, my heart raced, my mind imploded. They were turning to leave, "Come on Fabian!"  
My mouth went dry, I needed an excuse, shit. Shit!  
"Man I need to shit, I'll catch you guys later." The boys laughed and left. The second the door closed, I dived in to the bathroom and locked the door. I leant back against the door, my breathing still heavy, my mind still racing, my body started retching. I reached the toilet just in time as the contents of my stomach appeared once again. Flushing it away I slowly dragged myself to my feet. After washing my face, in icy cold water, I made the worst mistake I could. A pair of dark empty eyes locked on to mine, they were like black passages in to his empty soul. They were encircled by dark shadows, he didn't get much sleeo. I studied his face, his skin was pale, almost sickly, scattered across it were a mess of freckles, his dark auburn hair flopped messy, across his forehead. It all looked so wrong, so ugly. I stepped back and looked at his body. I hated it. I hated his shoulders, waist, stomach, chest, arms, thighs, feet, legs, all of it. I was disguted. I knew what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. Pulling the cabinet open I instinctively found it. The light reflecting off it so beautifully, making it shine like the saviour it was. I pushed up my sleeve. I flicked out the blade. And ever so slowly I dragged it across my arm, pressing down as I went. "Fuck..." I sighed as pain shot throughout my body, intertwining with relief and release. I did it over and over again. This was real magic, I drew with silver and it came out red. It hurt so much but it was better than what I felt before. Blood streamed from the cuts, like a river momentarily carrying away all my sadness. I caught sight of my watch, I had been cutting for over twenty mintues. The others would be back soon and I still had to clean up the mess. I cast a cleaning spell on my razor, flicked the blade back and put it away. I washed the worst of the blood off my arm then cleaned and disinfected it with spells and dressed it. Casting one final scourgify to clean the blood off the floor, I left. The silence in my mind made the searing pain in my arms bearable, the pain being the only thing tying me to this world. I changed as fast as I could then jumped in to bed pulling the curtains shut around me. I fell asleep fast that night. Sleeping heavily, not even stirring when the others came back.

Days passed in a sickening blur. My lack of sleep and food was catching up with me but I didn't care anymore. As the days passed my body became more decorated while my mind crumbled. It was Wednesday, I woke feeling surprisingly refreshed. Everything was silent, the others must still be sleeping. With a yawn I clambered out of bed.  
"Shit." Ed, Gideon and Stubby had gone. I scrabbled to grab my watch.  
"Oh shitttt." It was already five minutes past nine, classes had started. The peaceful morning disappeared instantly as my body took up it's usual level of anxiety once more. I was ready and out of the common room within five minutes. It was just my luck that first lesson happened to be divination, not only the classroom was on the other side of the castle, my professor had to be the type who completely loathed late students. Hurtling down corridors, up stairs, through secret passages I finally reached the bottom of the ladder which led in to my classroom. My cuts throbbed and my head span as I climbed up. I dragged myself through the trap door. The air in here was so thick with incense it was almost impossible to breathe. The room was warm and full of mismatched chair and tables all currently taken by students. Luckily the class hadn't started yet and I was able to slink to a seat on the free table in the room without being seen. I liked how my seat was positioned, I could watch everyone in the room without being noticed too much, I was at the back in the corner so hopefully even the teacher would ignore me and the biggest advantage of my seat? I was alone at my table. Just as the professor was starting the lesson, with the usual lecture about divination being an art, not just a study, a final student appeared through the trap door. I recognised him instantly. It was impossible to mistake him for someone else, he was so different, so pure. "Ah Mr. Lovegood, you have decided to bless us with your presence finally, I was starting to worry my sights were wrong." I guessed the professor was trying to make a joke due to the strange high pitched giggling sound she made afterwards, "Go take a seat quickly." She said waving her hand dismissively. Lovegood nodded then glanced round for a seat. My empty table suddenly lost all of its appeal. Gracefully he slipped in to the chair beside me. The professor continued with her speech but I couldn't concentrate. My nose was filled with an amazing smell, a light fresh smell which managed to be exotic and spicy at the same time. I couldn't stop glancing at him, my eyes were constantly drawn to him like a moth is drawn to a light. I suddenly snapped out of my day dream as I realised she was giving us instructions. Luckily I managed to hear enough to understand, unluckily it was a pairs task. Slowly I turned to face him, my mind was in overdrive. He was already looking at me, a soft smile on his face. "Hey there." His voice was gentle but completely clear, it was low and husky but there was a melodic edge to it and a beautiful soft irish accent. It was far better than I ever could have imagined. "Hey." I couldn't stop myself from smiling at him, I undoubtedly looked like a idiot, and he definitely knew it.  
"I'm Xenophilius," a lazy smile played his lips, "Call me Xeno though, it takes too long otherwise!" He winked at me cheekily. I uncontrollably laughed, I was no better than a god damn twelve year old girl! I felt my cheeks flush in my embarrassment. "I'm Fabian." I said after a brisk cough. Xeno's eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned at me.  
"I like that name." He stated confidently still looking at me. This boy exuded confidence but not in an arrogant way, he had kind eyes and obviously smiled a lot. "You're in my astronomy class as well, aren't you?" His accent caressed the words as he spoke.  
"Yeah, I am." I was worried about the reply, what if he was creeped out after the weird staring thing?  
"I saw you sitting alone, I don't know about you but I hate being alone, next time we should sit together, then neither of us have to be alone." He smiled at me and relief shot throughout my body. I knew my answer immediately "Yeah that would be good."  
"Great. " Large grins spread across both our faces. It was strange, I barely knew Xeno and yet I felt more comfortable with him than I did with my friends who I had known for years. We started working properly then, my mind was distracted though. Continously churning over the millions of thoughts; what should I say next? What was he thinking? Why did he want to talk to a gross person like me? Did I look stupid? What if he thinks I look stupid? What if he just thinks I'm a idiot? Does he like me? Jesus christ I hope he likes me. He sat there scribbling away, occasionally glancing up to confer with me about the task. He looked si natural and comfortable just sitting there, I didn't understand it. The moment I stepped out of bed in the morning, my whole body gets tense. The moment I step in to a classroom, my hearts starts racing. The moment I step in to a corridor, full, bustling and loud, my whole body starts to panic. And yet here Xeno was, sitting in a room of people he barely knew, with a teacher hunting for mistakes, having to make conversation and he seemed so relaxed. The bell went. My daydream was broken and back in to bitter reality I was thrown. As I dumped my books in to my bag, I realised Xeno was still standing next to me, a smile still on his face.  
"It was great to meet you today Fabian." His ssid sincerely, "Hopefully I'll see you soon." With a casual wink he floated off out the classroom. Starstruck I ran s hand through my hair. Holy fuck. 


End file.
